Also, hey bucko, if you want to have this kind of fun in your life, have you picked up a copy of PLANET MOTHERFUCKER? Do you also have the first two supplements, BLACK SUNSHINE and DEMONOID PHENOMENON?
Characters
Chet, a Living Dead Hustler
Runa, a Church Burner
Dan Smakob, a Spooky Scary Skeleton
Dr. MK ULTRA, a Dr. Feelbad
Sault Voi Vittu, a Vermin Lord
Events
So the motherfuckers were sitting outside of a Mexican cantina in Swamplandia (aka Florida), munching on tacos, quesadillas, and complimentary chips & salsa. They saw a crowd gathering; from their chatter, they were expecting the arrival of their "savior." And then they saw him: a tall, impossibly pale man clad in a long, dark coat despite the heat. Murmurs rippled through the crowd, "Alucard is here!" "Alucard will save us from Dracula!"
Unfortunately, as he tried to cross the road to reach the crowd, Alucard was creamed by a passing eighteen wheeler.
The crowd was disappointed, but when Dan took up Alucard's sword they saw the potential for a new set of saviors in the mothersfuckers. They explained their plight: Dracula's castle has appeared out of nowhere, enwrapping the space shuttle and ruining the local tourist trade. Dracula was taking advantage of the local castle doctrine laws AND sucking the populace dry of blood.
And now that's the motherfuckers' problem, somehow.
They headed out to Dracula's castle and the drawbridge ominously opened for them. Of course, once they set foot on it it began to raise, drawing them in. In the grand hall, Renfield, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and douchebag sunglasses, appeared on a balcony and began to threaten them. He referred to himself as a crazy fucker who would eat a fly, eat a spider, hell, he would eat their grandma's asses given half a chance. After a while, Renfield retreated into another chamber, but the motherfuckers didn't bite and follow him into an obvious trap.
Instead, they made their way up into a clocktower that was swarming with medusa heads that threatened to knock them off of stairs, platforms, and swinging pendulums. Just like in Castlevania, this was the most challenging encounter in the castle. Dr. MK ULTRA made it to the top first and was able to throw a lever that turned all this ridiculous set piece shit off and sent the medusa heads packing.
Next they encountered Dracula's three skanky brides in a room with a mirrored ceiling (that they couldn't take advantage of because they were vampires) and a massive waterbed. These vampire sluts had been commanded to not let the motherfuckers proceed without a fight, but Dr. MK ULTRA successfully bribed them with pills to let them pass.
But hey, in the next room they had to brawl with the Grim Reaper. They fucked him up pretty handily and some of the mofos even stole some of his spinning scythes as weapon upgrades. It was in this room that Dan realized that the candelabras they had encountered throughout the castle could be knocked over to create a "heart."
Which was potentially useful because one room over they found a shifty, cloak-clad merchant who offered to sell them cool shit like holy water, crosses, a pocket watch, garlic, or a magic whip...and the only currency he would accept was hearts. Unfortunately, they had collected so few hearts up until this point that they didn't have enough to buy anything groovy.
Instead, Sault squandered the few hearts they had on a really shitty Superbowl tip. Seriously, the Bengals?
Next up they polished off a Frankenstein's monster and took an elevator down to Dracula's throne room. He did the whole "miserable pile of secrets" thing and then attacked! They beat his ass and hid the Bible if God's watchin', but of course Dracula came back for round two in a demonic form. They got stomped a bit but cleaned his clock for a second time.
Of course, as is contractually required, the castle started to shake and collapse, so they hightailed it out of there. Once the castle was gone, all that was left standing proudly was the space shuttle on its launch pad. That's America, baby.