Related, good news for folks who wanted a cheap option to buy PLANET MOTHERFUCKER in print: a sweet MONDO MONOCHROME edition is coming soon! Watch this space and shit.
Characters
Judge Def, Wastelander
The Crusher, Face-Breaking Goon
Luna von Wolfenberg, Werewolf Heartthrob
Warhawk Tuah, Vermin Lord
Sabrina the Teenage Bitch, Satanic Witch
Events
As they rolled through the post-apocalyptic landscape, the motherfuckers were overjoyed to spot an all-day music festival in the distance. They pulled in and discovered that the headliner was the none other than the band that was currently dominating the radio airwaves: they had the opportunity to see Connie Lingus and the Clit Ticklers! While the show went on, each motherfucker was approached by a stone-cold honeypot hottie (of various genders) who gave them an invitation to THE AFTER-PARTY.
Once the last encores were over, the motherfuckers milled around in the parking lot trying to figure out where THE AFTER-PARTY would be--and then it rolled up. THE AFTER-PARTY was a mobile building that crested the hill on enormous tank treads. The massive hot pink lips on the back of the ambulatory party palace opened, a ramp dropped out, and they were hit with the concussive blast of pounding techno and flashing rave lights. A robotic voice called out "WELCOME TO THE AFTER-PARTY."
The motherfuckers lined up to enter, but were dismayed that the bouncers were disarming everyone who entered. Luna tried to hide her switchblade down the crack of her ass, but a bouncer fished it out and gave it a long, loud sniff before tossing it in the contraband bucket.
Inside, some of the motherfuckers hit the dance floor and the others lined up at the bar to score some free drinks. Each had the opportunity to mingle with another party attendee. Sabrina offended a samurai with an afro and Warhawk scared off a swamp ape trying to bust a move on her. The Judge had a good convo about motorcycles with a six-foot tall dayglo rat-man, the Crusher got down with a slutty cowgirl, and Luna got an earful about Naruto from a schoolgirl ninja.
The music suddenly stopped and a man of indeterminate age took the stage with a headset microphone, Ted Talk style. He was flanked by two other men who looked like slightly younger versions of himself; the two younger versions were connected to the man by tubes stemming from devices that seemed to be feeding him their blood. The man introduced himself as Jason Youngblood, proprietor of THE AFTER-PARTY. He started droning on about healthy living and how blood is the secret to rejuvenating the body and halting the aging process. At the close of his long-winded, perplexing speech, he thanked the attendees for their contributions to his longevity treatments.
And then guards armed with tranquilizer rifles poured out onto the dance floor, firing into the crowd! Holy fuck!
The Judge, the Crusher, Sabrina, and Ozwald the ratman took shelter behind the bar and found a ladder behind a secret panel that led up to the next level of THE AFTER-PARTY. (The Crusher threw the slutty cowgirl at the guards before making his getaway.) Warhawk fled to the ladies bathroom and climbed up into the ventilation shaft; she was followed by Naruto Girl. Luna played dead until she had the opportunity to follow up the ladder.
Things got weirder on the second floor of THE AFTER-PARTY. They located the guards' barracks, which someone had graffiti'd to read BARRACKS OBAMA. Inside, they caught a guard with his pants down (literally), strokin' hog to a magazine called Third Leg Show. Crusher engaged him in a stalemate staring contest, which Sabrina ended when she knocked him out with a thrown bottle of Jim Beam.
The group also found the armory; the Crusher kicked the door in, flattening the guard standing sentry inside. They re-armed themselves with all the gear taken off them at door. Additionally, Sabrina got a robot up and running; she programmed it to read Donna Haraway to Jason Youngblood before killing him, but it turned out that the robot was too big to go up the stairs to the third level.
Well, at least that let them know how to get up to the third level, eh?
On the third floor, they surprised a bunch of guards who were busy draining abducted party goers of their blood. A fierce battle ensued, with Sabrina animating some skeletal servants by causing the bones of a few strapped-down victims to tear out of their bodies. The others dealt justice to their would-be captors with sword, guns, red tooth & claw, and an unsightly brick. Since some of the motherfuckers were wounded in the brawl, they decided to pump some of the stolen blood into their bodies in hopes that it would heal them.
It didn't. In fact, those who partook were left feeling woozy because the collected blood was still laced with tranquilizers.
The group survived entering a room called the Fuck Palace, which had mirrored walls and a mirrored ceiling, with a revolving floor and rotating beds shaped like lips, buttocks, and titties. They collected a ball gag and a traffic cone-sized butt plug that they hoped to use on Jason Youngblood when they finally caught up with him.
But here's the thing: they never caught up with him lol. In another room they found a mirror-like device covered in flashing lights and circuitry along the rim. Sabrina touched the device's surface, then got sucked into it. The rest of the group (including Naruto Girl, but not including Ozwald who said, "Fuck that.") followed Sabrina into the mirror. When we pick this up again, we'll find out what happens THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS.
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