I've written a Christmas story every year for the past three years. This year's story is set on PLANET MOTHERFUCKER, so be forewarned: this story may just ruin your Christmas. If Santa's pooper, elves with big titties, or murderous reindeer ain't your bag--keeping walkin'.
For those built of stronger, stupider stuff:
Look upon my works, ye Merry, and despair!
I present: WE THREE KINGS LAY MANGLED AND TORN
The Vulture
The Vulture is a riverboat that travels the waterways of the Vespermark. It only docks in one place long enough to lure hapless travelers and “guests” into the perpetual fey masquerade ball that rages onboard. Visitors seldom leave alive.
• The Vulture appears to be a luxuriously appointed riverboat; once inside, visitors discover that it features uncountable rooms that defy the ship’s outward dimensions.
• The boat is the site of a luxurious and never-ending masquerade ball presided over by Lady Devanya, an imperious and mercurial fey noble of the Summer Court.
• Lady Devanya’s ball offers endless opportunities for dancing, feasting, gambling, and other pleasures.
• However, Lady Devanya is capricious and cruel; anyone who breeches her ever-shifting rules of decorum or who refuses to wear a mask while aboard the Vulture will face her wrath.
• Those who are obsequious enough, or who bring Lady Devanya a unique gift that catches her fancy, might be granted a wondrous boon—though this boon turns to ash as soon as they lose her favor.
Damophet, The Demon Lord of Hell
Damophet was the first devil, created when the leader of the rebellious angels was cloven in two and cast out of Heaven. Since he was the first of his infernal kind, Damophet is sometimes simply referred to as the Devil.
• Damophet’s avatar appears as either a loathsome goat-headed demon or a beautiful horned man with golden hair.
• Above all else, Damophet craves power over mortals; he expects obedience from both his demonic and mortal servants.
• The one commonality in cults devoted to Damophet is that they all aspire to empower themselves through worship of their dark master and currying his infernal favor.
• Ironically, the worship of Damophet is itself a metaphorical set of iron shackles; Damophet ensures that he always holds dominance over those who serve his ends.
Hekala, Queen of the Winter Court
Hekala is a powerful fey queen who rules the Winter Court; she is as cold and cruel as the eternal ice that rimes her realm.
• Hekala’s avatar is a tall, alabaster woman with viciously pointed teeth, a gown made of ice, and a crown fashioned from human bones.
• Hekala only extends her favor to worshipers who prove their strength and ability to endure; among her worshipers are people who resorted to cannibalism to survive, those who persevere against the elements, and other folk willing to go to extremes in order to thrive.
• The snow elves of Eisengraz are the most numerous cultists devoted to Hekala.
• Boons from Hekala often take the form of magical weapons, such as runeswords and other tools of prodigious violence.
Ilkhan, Demon Lord of Blood
Ilkhan is an especially warlike demon lord who is pleased by the violence promised by conflict and strife.
• Ilkhan’s avatar appears as a man or woman, flayed of skin, wearing the bloodied clothes of a military leader.
• The Demon Lord of Blood inspires discord because it is the kindling from which the conflagration of slaughter blooms.
• Ilkhan is mostly venerated by soldiers, mercenaries, knights, and other members of military organizations.
• Cultists who serve Ilkhan placate and honor their lord through mass bloodshed; singular sacrifices mean nothing to Ilkhan—it thrives on carnage.
Krevborna is centrally located on a continent called Urazya. If you need to understand where these nations sit in relation to each other, imagine a map of Eurasia; I’m confident you will be able to figure out where the following countries should be placed.
The detail below will be sparse by design; Krevborna is the main event, this is all just background flavor--with the added opportunity for Game Masters to expand with their own material, if they want.
Yre
Yre is a green isle of bogs, hills, and deep forests at the northwest extremity of Urazya. The island is a patchwork of warring clans, some of which remain pagan despite the best efforts of proselytizing monks and priests from the Western Church.
Language: Kurgic
Albitza
The White Isle of Albitza is a land of perpetual rain and drear south of Yre. The Middle Kingdom of Albitza seeks to conquer the Northlands and the Wolflands to unite the island into one nation.
Language: Albitzish
Narske
Narske’s cold northern climate and near-perpetual snow has made its populace resilient and bold. Unable to sustain themselves on agriculture alone, sailors from Narske are much-feared as raiders who pillage the coasts of other nations.
Language: Narskan
Rhus
Once the mightiest empire of Urazya, Rhus has been reduced to a magically tainted badlands. It is only home to roving monstrosities and once-human abominations. Krevborna’s royal family was originally an offshoot of Rhus’s rulers. Rhus is due north of Krevborna.
Language: Rhuski
The Khanlands
The Khanlands are a seemingly endless expanse of steppes flowing east from the borders of Rhus. It is the domain of horse-riding nomadic tribes whose leaders are all said to be descended from a single legendary warlord.
Language: Khandic
The Ustalecht Paladinate
The Ustalecht Paladinate is a confederacy of states west of the Vespermark that consider themselves the rightful heirs of the Eastern Church’s authority. Each state is ruled by a “Lord Paladin,” a knight elected by the resident noble families. Despite the name, not every paladin of Ustalecht is noble or pious. The Paladinate is collectively one of Krevborna’s ancestral foes.
Language: Ustalechtian
The Rhomish Principalities
East of Krevborna lies the Rhomish Principalities, a collection of petty kingdoms that frequently make war against each other. The holy seat of the Western Church of Holy Blood is the state of Rhom, the City-State of Cathedrals.
Language: Rhomian
Morgundy
Morgundy sits on the western coast of Urazya, due south of Albitza. Morgundy considers itself the pinnacle of culture on the continent. Recently, a number of peasant uprisings against the heavy taxes levied by the nation’s nobles point toward the possibility of bloody class warfare.
Language: Morgundaz
Castalonya
South of Morgundy is Castalonya, a warm, sun-kissed land locked in a bitter conflict between two heirs to the kingdom’s throne. Castalonya is a nation of sailors; Castalonyan explorers have even made excursions to the mysterious continent of Merhk in the far west. Pirates rule the westernmost tip of Castalonya, where they maintain an enclave called the Port o' Gulls.
Language: Castalonyan
The Ebrian Empire
The Ebrian Empire borders Krevborna to the south. The Ebrian Empire’s vast reach includes Tystolya, the former seat of the Eastern Church’s Patriarch and Novi Mudraal at the tip of a southern continent known as Akelb. The Ebrians worship a bellicose fire god–considered one of the worst heresies by the Church of Holy Blood.
Language: Ebric
Ontioch
Ontioch, also known as the Holy Land, is the supposed birthplace of the Khristosa. Currently a war-torn land caught between the Ebrian Empire and western crusaders who wish to reclaim it, Ontioch largely lies in ruins.
Language: Ontimaic
Gurkhesh
A land of spices and silks south of the Khanlands, Gurkhesh exists under the colonial rule of trading Albitzan companies. Known as the Land of a Thousand Gods, Gurkhesh’s religious practices are poorly understood by the rest of Urazya.
Language: Gurkheshi
Nikondo
Nikondo is an island of the far east. Though it has an emperor, said to be descended from a pagan moon goddess, Nikondo is actually ruled by military leaders who oversee a caste of hereditary swornswords. The people of Nikondo fear that bloody civil war is inevitable, as each military leader sees themselves as the one destined to unite the country.
Language: Nikond
Karl Edward Wagner’s 1975 sword and sorcery epic Bloodstone is the first full-length outing for Kane, mighty-thewed protagonist of a series of short stories and novels. Jack and Kate navigate a treacherous world of shifting political alliances, alien technology, and bat-monster-goddess girlfriends to figure out where Kane fits in the world of fantasy fiction.
Has there ever been a trustworthy alien intelligence in a fantasy novel? Can a simple outfit swap transform a butch into a femme? Is there a secret (or not so secret) gothic lineage to this fantasy series? All these questions and more will be explored in this episode of the podcast.
All the stuff that thrilled me in November.
I am, admittedly, a huge mark for Yorgos Lanthimos's films, but even putting my bias out there ahead of time--Bugonia was just a phenomenal film. In Bugonia, a pair of down-and-outers kidnap a corporate executive because they believe that she is an alien actively working against mankind; their plan, such that it is, is to use her to negotiate with the hidden alien overlords they think are preying on mankind.
The cast features actors who have previously appeared in Lanthimos's movies--such as Jesse Plemons and Emma Stone--but the overall cast is smaller, more intimate--which really adds to the claustrophobic feel of the film. The mix of black comedy, naturalism, and (I would argue) existential horror is pitch perfect.
I really enjoyed the first volume of Stygian Bough, an epic collaboration between funeral doom metallers Bell Witch and the dark folk project Aerial Ruin, but the second helping is even stronger than the first. Amazing, and sometimes melancholy sounding stuff, but it's never ponderous; despite having aspects of drone metal, this one wastes no time getting down to business and tearing into the psyche.
Twisted Metal is such big, dumb fun I almost cannot believe that its being made in 2025. Isn't this sort of thing illegal now?
The first season gave me the kind of trash culture apocalypse I crave, but the second season adds both more over-the-top insanity and more touching emotional moments that contrast nicely with the high-octane madness. The new Raven is a blast in this (love a bratty gothed-out hellbitch with a tragic backstory) and introducing Axel from the video game (a buff angry dude who plugs directly into two giant wheels he uses as his ride) shouldn't work, but somehow did. And Mayhem was exactly the kind of plucky, dumbfuck sidekick the main duo needed. If you're at all a fan of my PLANET MOTHERFUCKER game, you need need need to check out Twisted Metal.
Although the Sex Pistols were my entryway into punk in high school, it was the Ramones that I probably spent the most time listening to. I have extremely vivid memories of having a Ramones tape blaring on my Walkman to drown out the rest of the shit on the bus ride to and from school for a solid year. There was something about the cartoonish hammer-headedness of the band's music that really, really hit me. November found me digging out my Ramones records and yeah man, they're still great. In particular, the first four Ramones are an unimpeachable run--just completely game-changing, right up there with the first batch of Black Sabbath albums as early, genre-defining, won't-ever-be-equaled music.
A new Witcher book brings with it a great deal of excitement (because I love the Witcher series) and a bit of trepidation (what if it doesn't give me what I'm looking for in a Witcher book?). Sapkowski be praised, this one hit the mark easily. Crossroads of Ravens covers Geralt's first season, fresh out of "Witcher school" and walking the path of the monster slayer. Geralt gets a new mentor, makes a great deal of enemies, learns the hard lessons that man is the greatest monster of all and that politics is the vicious playground of the terminally insane, and adds some new tricks to his kit that help him beat ass when needed. It may not be the best thing I read in November, but it was easily the most fun.
Halloween only ends if you let it. I kept the spooktrain a-rollin' into November with this absolutely essential book of Halloween art by Austin Pardun. In the many pages of this book (seriously, this is a THICK tome collecting years and years of artwork), you'll find more than enough skull faces, warty witches, and pumpkin-headed creeps to sate your Samhain cravings. Pardun has an eye for the perfect Halloween color palette, and his tastes run toward the retro; there are plenty of references to VHS fright flicks, pin-up gals, and the toys of yesteryear that you should find thrilling. If you are a Halloweenhead, you owe it to yourself to get this.
Apparently my girlfriend told me to check out this band, I forgot, but then months later someone on my Discord brought them up again and I finally dove in. This heavy psychedelic band is fantastic, melding fuzz-drenched guitars with vocals and performances that have some real fire to them. This kind of inner mind bad trip can be a wandering, aimless affair, but on Great Haunting Earth Tongue keeps the energy high and they never get lost in the haze. I'm really looking forward to their next album in 2026 now.