Thursday, October 20, 2016

The Many Crimes of John La Tier's The Tell-Tale Heart

Hold me closer, tiny lantern
  • Okay, why are some rooms inexplicably smokey in the background? Are they covering up unfinished sets with a fog machine? Or is the police station on fire?
  • I'm pretty sure "Carve me a chess set" is not an approved psychiatric treatment.
  • In a reversal of the Gothic trope of a woman exploring an old house by the light of a flickering candelabra, our protagonist is exploring with the world's tiniest lantern. He's also using the lantern in a hallway that is already remarkably well lit.
  • "I'm pretty sure this used to be a ballroom," Rose McGowan says, leading the protagonist...outside the house to a porch.
  • The white flakes falling around them during this sex scene makes it seem like they are trapped in an erotic snow globe.
  • "You've carved all the pieces for the chess set, but they still need to be stained," he says, looking at a chess set that already has two differently-colored sets of pieces that they are currently and successfully playing a game of chess with.
  • "Sorry to disturb you so late," the cop says in front of a window through which seems to stream daylight. I guess the lights on the porch could be hella bright or something.
  • Better movies this movie appears to be alluding to: Seven, Audition, Marathon Man, every film noir ever.
  • Someone read Poe's story and thought, "You know what this needs? A plot line about PTSD." Poe's story about perverse and murderous impulses is now a statement about the under-funding of VA hospitals. Send help.
  • This movie is clearly a labor of love--it took a series of failed and semi-successful crowd-funding efforts to get it made--so I really don't want to slam it too hard, but woof this not a good movie.