As promised in a prior post, I'm going to give you a wastelander's tour of America in the world of PLANET MOTHERFUCKER. If you like the sound of this shithole, buy a copy of PLANET MOTHERFUCKER today! Seriously, if you've been thinking about it you should know that postage rates are getting hiked by the post office in a few weeks and I'm down to about twenty copies left.
After the Thunderkiss
Before we get into the nitty-gritty of how the game works, I want to tell you about the shithole where this all goes down: the weird wasteland of post-Thunderkiss America.
New England is now a theocracy ruled by religious zealots with funny black hats and buckle shoes. The capital of the theocracy is New Salem, where the Court of Oyster and Terminator governs. Covens of satanic, folk horror witches live in the deep woods surrounding Puritania’s cities, villages, and towns—they fight against the oppressive regime of the Puritanians with hellfire, sorcery, and old-fashioned witchy know-how.
Like a syphilitic phoenix rising from the ashes of a meth lab fire, NYC has been reborn as New Amsterdamned. New Amsterdamned is governed by a coterie of vampires led by the vile nosferatu known as Rudy Ghouliani. The ruling class of vampires largely concern themselves with siphoning blood and taxes out of the city’s still-living populace. They certainly do nothing to curb the violence and gang warfare that dominates the streets of New Amsterdamned. Hell, they don’t even keep the streets paved.
The Dirty South
Southern culture truly is on the skids, my friend. In the former Southern US, the wealthy have sequestered themselves away in old plantation houses that have been turned into fortified compounds. In the backwoods, inbred hellbillies hunt their fellow human beings and feast on their succulent flesh!
If you want to start a rumble in the Dirty South, loudly proclaim that another region’s BBQ sauce is better than the sauce made where you’re currently standing.
The Florida panhandle is now a feral wetlands known as Swamplandia. You know those lizard people that David Icke is always talking about? The ones who wear human guises and secretly rule the world? Well, they actually do rule Swamplandia. They got mosquitoes the size of horses down there, I swear.
Go west across the Gulf of Mexico and you hit the City of Gnawlins. Surrounded by bayous filled with mutant alligators, Gnawlins is the domain of voodoo queens, Cajuns, and frilly-shirt wearin’ goth vampires with names like Lestat and Maurice.
A little further west and you hit the territory of Tex-Arcana, where spell-slinging cowboys patrol the wild frontier and protect the interests of oil barons, bullet barons, and beer barons. Ten gallon hats, tin badges, spurs and chaps, the works. All my exes cast hexes in Texas—that’s why I hang my hat in Tennessee.
As a setting, PLANET MOTHERFUCKER takes the same view as its author toward the middle of the country: who gives a shit? It’s probably a wasteland filled with warring barbarians tribes, cornfed dames, or raging Karen drag-racing soccer vans or something. Maybe the Midwest is infested with zombies, but then again, if it was—would we be able to tell the difference?
Okay, one thing about the Midwest worth mentioning: although it’s basically hell on earth, a Rustbelt nightmare, and generally post-apocalyptic, the city of Destroit is still the place to go to get auto parts or a sweetnew ride. Nobody does it better than Destroit. You know all those factories in movies like Terminator that are just filled with open pits of fire and molten slag? Yeah, Destroit is like that.
Once known as Las Vegas, Sin City remains a hotbed of vice and depravity. Play the slots, wake up with a raging hangover, and pawn everything you own of value at one of the many rip-off joints on the Strip. Visit a brothel, wake up missing a kidney. See a show, wake up puking your guts out after gorging at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Beneath the glitz, glam, and neon beats the black heart of American capitalism: feed your desires, try to beat the odds, and have nothing to show for it in the end.
The city formerly known as Los Angeles is now Pornheim, a bastion of the skin flick industry. The city is governed by a council of “adult entertainers” and their shithead, narcissistic hangers-on. Everything is showbiz and exploitation out there, but underneath the Teflon coating of tan skin and blindingly white smiles lurks some really dark shit. Hell, the people of Pornheim are so medically modified they practically count as cyborgs.
San Freakcisco Bay Area
The San Freakcisco Bay Area is a hot spot of scientific innovation. If an outbreak of technological horrors—murderous robots, a man-made plague, or AI cars out to run down pedestrians—were to occur, dollars to donuts that some pencil-necked geek in the SFBA is to blame for it. The City of San Freakcisco is also a party town, rich in rainbow pageantry. Slay, Queen!
Washington and Oregon are now heavily forested—the primeval woods seems to have erupted to reclaim the land from the trespasses of human civilization. The Militialands have earned their name because the area is dotted with strongholds belonging to militias, paramilitary groups, and extremist cults. They’d be a real danger to the world at large if they could stop fighting against each other in endless bouts of zero-sum warfare, but these well-armed morons are too stupid to get their shit together.
The Monster isles
The volcanoes of Hawaii have erupted, awakening long-slumbering kaiju who now roam the islands and do battle with each other. Daredevils continue to brave the obvious dangers of the Monster Isles just for the chance to catch the perfect wave. Surf’s up, dude!
North, South, and the Rest of the World
The frozen northern realm of Canadia is home to wendigo, moose-riding Mounties, ambulatory poutine, and the underground trade in maple syrup.
Past the southern border, you’ve got luchadors battling drug cartels, donkey shows, and desperate folks who worship Santa Muerte. ¡Ay, caramba!
As for the world at large? Beats me. Make up something cool if it comes up in your game.