Sunday, June 25, 2023

The Battle of Spaghettysburg

I ran a game of PLANET MOTHERFUCKER last Friday. You know what I love about this game? I've never gotten as much laughter out of any other game. And it's not just my stupid gags that hit; everybody gets into the big dumb mood of the thing and shit just gets ridiculous. Love it.

Want to have this kind of fun? Buy a copy of PLANET MOTHERFUCKER today!

Here's what went down in our game:

The Characters

Runa Ravensbane, heavily tattooed metal babe (Church Burner)

Dr. MK Ultra, rogue physician prone to experimenting on himself (Doctor Feelbad)

Chet, a vampire who looks suspiciously like the Naked Cowboy (Living Dead Hustler)

Fat Elvis, exactly what he sounds like; has a feral child companion named Marsha Marsha Marsha (Wastelander)


The character were all down on their luck, working at a crappy Civil War-themed Italian restaurant named Spaghettysburg. Spaghettysburg was located within the walls of Civil War World, a theme part filled with animatronics dubiously re-enacting the events of the American Civil War. Runa was working as a line cook, surrounded by pots of simmering sauce. Chet was the dishwasher, stacking plates. Dr. MK Ultra stood behind the bar, wiping down glasses. Fat Elvis was stationed as the bathroom attendant, replacing urinal cakes. Marsha Marsha Marsha was the waitress--an egregious violation of child labor laws.

And then the lights went out.

Plunged into darkness, the group could hear gunfire and the screams of theme park guests. Chet peeked his head out of the front door and confirmed everyone's worst fear: the Confederate and Union robots had gone berserk and were executing everyone at Civil War World!

(While the lights were out, Fat Elvis emptied the till of cash, Dr MK stole a bunch of booze and cleaning supplies, and Runa grabbed a bottle of Finlandia vodka.)

The group decided that Spaghettysburg was no longer safe, so they got a move on to try to find a way out of Civil War World. They decided to exit the restaurant out the back. They saw two robots, one Union soldier and one Confederate, moving toward them. They attempted to sneak behind a shooting gallery, but Dr MK Ultra was spotted and the robots opened fire with their rifles. Fat Elvis nailed one with his submachine gun and Runa let lose a scream that exploded the head of the other.

While fighting the "robots" the group noticed a strange thing: despite being told that the animatronics were just lifelike, state of the art robots, they bled when wounded. Chet tasted their blood; as a vampire he could tell that it was genuine human blood, but not fresh. They put two and two together and realized that the park was using corpses as the basis for its "robot reenactors"!

Continuing to sneak behind buildings to find a way out, they next encountered the ominously titled Andersonville Prison Petting Zoo. Expecting that there were animals in need of setting free inside the petting zoo, the group entered...and saw some truly horrifying things. In this park exhibit, the meat-based robots were behind bars and being used to illustrate the horrors of Civil War era prisons; some had dysentery, some had typhoid fever, and all were desperate and starving. Although the "exhibits" pleaded to be set free, the group determined that they couldn't be trusted. Instead, they put them all out of their misery and left.

There was some loot dropped by fleeing visitors in the prison at least: a backpack full of Homies, a couple bucks, and an unused pregnancy test.

As they crept around the back of the park, the group saw that the roller coaster was still operating...all of the cars were full of dead people, except one fat kid who was busy vomiting on himself. The group took pity on him and shut the roller coaster down. They cleaned him up and renamed him Juice Pouch. He was happy to take the new name as his parents had named him Dickbert, so this was a step up in his opinion.

While they were dealing with Juice Pouch, the group were accosted by a gaggle of meat-robot Southern belles. Chet turned on the Southern Charm and talked them into going to wait for him by the Assassination of President Lincoln exhibit.

With the belles out of the way, the group made a bee-line for the General Lee exhibit, not sure if it was going to be about the soldier or the car. Thankfully, the car was on display. Chet slid into the driver's seat and everyone else piled in. No keys! But flipping down the visor revealed 'em. The group began to burn rubber toward the main entrance and ticket-taking booths, planning to ram their way to freedom. 

However, as they sped past several exhibits, they saw a young woman with an afro pinned down behind the counter of a souvenir shop as Union and Confederate soldiers fired on her. Unwilling to leave her to die, Chet pulled a quick U-turn. The back end of the General Lee clipped a costume depot, sending bits and bobs cascading out of the building. Chet rammed the meat-robot soldiers, mowing them down handily, while Fat Elvis fired his submachine gun.

Now safe, the woman in the gift shop introduced herself as Toffy. Chet insisted that Juice Pouch and Marsha Marsha Marsha get to pick out souvenirs from the ruins of the gift shop. A couple of the others grabbed kitschy t-shirts as well. Toffy pointed out that a meat-robot with a sniper rifle had just exited the Assassination of President Lincoln exhibit. This robot stuck out like a sore thumb: instead of wearing historical attire, he was dressed in a white t-shirt and jeans. The group realized that this meat-robot was made up to look like Lee Harvey Oswald because whoever was in charge of the assassination exhibit had confused him with John Wilkes Booth. 

Three-part names, both presidential assassins...easy enough mistake, right? Anyway, Lee Harvey Oswald assumed a shooting stance, yelled "Sic semper tyrannis!," and opened fire. 

Chaos ensued! Dr MK Ultra used the cleaning supplies and booze he had stolen from Spaghettysburg to craft some Molotov cocktails. Runa began screaming an ear-piercing Valkyrie wail o' death. Unfortunately, the Lee Harvey bot was soon joined by the Southern belles, who had grown bored of waiting for Chet. One of the belles dealt Runa a vicious blow with her parasol, so she switched to her ritual dagger and began carving up Lady Antebellum. Dr MK Ultra's Molotovs were doing work, lighting up belles left and right. Ultimately, Lee Harvey was put down with a combination of machine gun fire and lead pipe to the head.

When the dust settled, Fat Elvis examined the costumes that had spilled out of the annex and found a Kool-Aid Man suit. Putting it on, he was filled with confidence that he could now burst through any wall. Fat Elvis ran full tilt at the park's iron gate and managed to break on through to the other side. Everyone else plowed through the hole in the General Lee, ecstatic to escape from Civil War World at last.