Characters
Runa, Church Burner
Chet, Living Dead Hustler
Dr. MK ULTRA, Doctor Feelbad
Dan Smakob, Spooky Scary Skeleton
Events
The characters had all been captured in an ambush. They were stripped of their weapons, handcuffed, and marched onto a repurposed school bus that now read SCHOOL BUS at the top. (They ran out of standard-issue handcuffs, so they had to bind Chet with some pink fuzzy handcuffs.) From the chatter they could overhear from their captors, they were being taken somewhere to be tried for a crime they did not commit: MURDER!
From the bus's windows, they could see that they were entering a compound called Truckstopsylvania, which was a series of gas pumps and trailers arranged around a building with shops and services inside. The characters were brought before the Honorable Judge Abigail Sweetcooter, an elderly woman with some obvious breast enhancement, who was presiding over their "trial." She was quick to pass a guilty verdict and a death sentence for the crime of murdering Truckstopslyvania's mayor, Leon Buttermouth.
At the last minute, the group's court-appointed lawyer came running in and demanded that his clients be offered a Trial by Snoop. Trial by Snoop worked like this: the characters would be strapped into Snoop Suits--aka wetsuits with built-in explosives--and given the opportunity to prove their innocence by snooping around until they found the "real" guilty party. If they weren't able to establish their innocence within six hours, the explosive would detonate, which they were told would be "messy."
Their first order of business was to examine the mayor's corpse, which was still where it was found in his office--which was a defunct Pizza Hut. He had no signs of violent injury, but they did notice that he had two puncture marks on his neck and seemed a little light on blood for a man of his size. Unfortunately, everyone they questioned about the possibility of a vampire on the loose would reply with a variation of "Vampire? Everyone knows they aren't real!"
Searching his pockets turned up some possible leads: a receipt for the convenience store he bought rubbers at, a handful of urinal cakes, a wash cloth wrapped around a bar of Irish Spring, a diner menu with a note that someone had written "I'll see you later, big boy" on it in lipstick, a book of matches from a gentleman's club called Skeezer's, and a key marked "Moon Room."
They decided to hit up the convenience store first. There was a teenage girl reading a copy of Ninja of Fortune magazine behind the counter. Dan poured a blue slushy into his skull and because he was a skeleton it just ran out the bottom of his Snoop Suit, prompting the teenager to have to get the mop and bucket to clean up in aisle three. Dr MK Ultra traded the girl a syringe full of drugs for information. Both the mop and the drugs would become plot points in a little bit--wait for it.
At Skeezer's strip club, they learned that Mayor Buttermouth was a regular and that his favored "girl" was Misty--the club's most elderly stripper. Over at the Truck Nuts Cafe diner, they learned from a gum-poppin' waitress that Mayor Buttermouth's last meal was the steak & eggs--which he always ate when he was expecting to "get lucky." In the shower room, a strapping fellow with an ever-changing accent introduced them to the concept of "Special Sauce"--a combination of Aqua Velva and Old Spice that was purported to be a pussy magnet combination. The mayor had requested the special sauce on the night of his death.
While they were in the shower, the heard a woman screaming down the hall. Following the hollerin', they backtracked to the convenience store, where they found the teenage ninja fan under attack by a vampire who had emerged from the Beer Cave. Runa threw some punches at the vamp, Dan concocted a flamethrower from a lighter and a can of Aqua Net and lit the dude up, but Chet grabbed the mop, broke the head off, and staked the sucker. He dissolved into ash, which means they couldn't pawn the mayor's death off on him. Also, they couldn't get the teen girl to testify as to the existence of vampires because she had taken the drugs Dr. MK Ultra had given her and was now tripping balls so hard that she saw Naruto running backwards into infinity everywhere she looked.
Putting the pieces together, they figured out that since the mayor had a kink for aged women he had probably gotten vampirized by Judge Sweetcooter, who had then tried to pin his death on the motherfuckers as soon as they got hauled before her bench. They revived the mayor with a drop of blood, got confirmation of their theory from him, then burned his ass to a crisp too.
They found the judge in her chambers, where she offered them wine coolers. She declined to drink one herself as she said she "Never drinks wine...coolers." They forced her into calling a town meeting, where they proved she was a vampire by showing that she had to reflection. She jumped through a glass plate window and started running her old ass off toward Dr. MK Ultra's coffin car. She veered off at the last minute and climbed into a big black monster truck instead.
Runa and the Dr. got in their vehicles because they figured that Judge Sweetcooter was making a run for it, but she had gotten into a monster truck because her plan was to crush the fuck out of them. Both of them found their vehicles getting smacked around by the monster truck. Dan threw his skull at the truck, which did more damage to him than to the truck. Chet managed to climb aboard the monster truck, which gave him a good vantage point to stab the judge with the broken mop.
Chet gouged out the judge's eyes, causing her to aimlessly run amok in the monster truck. Runa jumped her motorcycle onto the back of the monster truck, allowing Chet an easy escape route...which was good because the monster truck was now headed straight toward Truckstopsylvania's gas pumps. They biked off just before the massive fireball consumed the truck and the judge. All that was left was a pair of melted implants.
Their innocence established and the real murderer now brought to justice, the gang were released from the Snoop Suits. Dr. MK Ultra had his car back, but missing from his trunk was his dead gal pal. Where the fuck did she end up? We'll find out someday.
