Friday, April 5, 2019

Notes on Jason X

I watched Jason X. Yeah, the Friday the 13th sequel that takes place in space. Mistakes were made.

Running commentary as the film rolls.

Hey wow, it's got David Cronenberg as...a creepy doctor! I appreciate that this is basically the only role he plays. Unfortunately, there isn't enough of him in this movie.

Also, ever notice how many secret research labs in these movies often look like badly lit parking garages?

Okay, now we're in the future. All the girls in the future are wearing crop tops. One girl has two sweaters on but neither covers her stomach. That's just how you roll in space.

When Jason is discovered in cryo-suspension he is knocked over and the machete he's holding cuts a dude's arm off. He's basically a really dangerous statue. 

The outfit the student puts on to seduce her Space Professor is oddly less fetishistic than what she wears when she's just walking around the spaceship. But her professor is wearing lady's lingerie and they are using some forceps as part of their umm scenario. There are a few sex scenes in this movie, but none of them really look like people having sex.

The lady android is sad that she doesn't have nipples like a "real girl." This is a weird riff on Pinocchio.

Jason reviving from suspended animation is juxtaposed with two Space Teens getting it on. Jason bolts upright suddenly: "I hear fuckin', time to kill!"

They gave the woman who was frozen along with Jason back in the past a crop top to replace the shirt Jason previously stabbed up.

One of these kids is named "Azrael." Were his parents Space Goths? You won't feel bad when this kid gets killed.

The nipple-less lady android just got made-over as Trinity from the Matrix and now she can do kicks, flips, gun shoots, and dumb quips.

The ship's computer malfunctions (or something) and rebuilds Jason as...CYBER JASON. It even makes him a steel hockey mask, which feels strangely considerate.

The big solution is to trap Jason in an Oculus Rift game. A sexy Oculus Rift game.

The triumphant, Star Trek-style music is an odd fit throughout, but our self-sacrificing hero rides Jason into planetary re-entry.

Note: I also watched Jason Goes to Hell, which wasn't really worth talking about, but I will tell you the premise: Jason loses his body and possesses other people to do his Jason-y things. He moves from body to body by having his current form French kiss the new body with a tongue that looks like a big dry dog turd.