***
Dear Diary,
Jesus Camp is exactly as lame as I thought it would be--lots of singalongs and talks meant to get us "right with the Lord." My fellow inmates of Cabin Twelve are pretty cool at least. J.P. is hella gay, but he's good at all that outdoors shit. Mikaela is also hella gay and doesn't know it; bitch is constantly drawing lesbians munching rug and has not put it together that she's in the big acronym. Jessie Jesus is the only one who seems kinda lame, but she's all right, I guess.
No matter what, we're way better than Cabin Six. Fuck those guys.
***
Dear Diary,
Ugh, Counselor Josh called us to a campfire meeting and starting talking about how God "wrestles with his tool" or something. I swear to fuck that guy is a huge pervert. He told us that it was our turn to fight the Devil on some stupid island--I'm pretty sure the "Devil" in this case is just going to be Josh in a Halloween costume trying to, like, pop our cherries or whatever. Like I said--HUGE pervert.
***
Dear Diary,
We had some trouble getting to Molestation Island because this camp is so broke-ass that the canoe we were given only had the one oar. We drifted around for a while until J.P. figured out how to get us there. But in the meantime: BIG revelation on the Jessie Jesus front. Our girl was playing possum the whole time, which we discovered when she pulled out a massive blunt to pass around. All that Jesus Girl shit was a smokescreen--literally.
***
Dear Diary,
Our cabin on the Island of Perverts is fucked. The lights kept going off, which I helped fix 'cause I learned how to steal power to put on illegal punk shows, and the radio is playing some kind of "evil" sounding message. Josh really likes to set the mood before he deflowers the campers, I guess. Jessie blessed the weapons we assembled to fight Josh off if he shows up as "the Devil."
We found some booze under a floorboard at least. It's probably Josh's stash of "Jesus Juice" to make us pass out, but joke's on you, Josh--we're getting lit without you, creep!
***
Dear Diary,
Uhhh, bad news, fam: Josh isn't the Devil.
It turns out that I am the Devil. I don't get it, but--fuckin' cool, right? All the other scenesters are gonna flip when they find out.
Anyway, I knew I had to get the rest of my cabinmates on side with my satanic mission. I coulda beat them into it 'cause I feel demonic power flowing through my veins now, but I fuckin' like those guys.
J.P. was a pretty easy sell--I just don't him that instead of "pray the gay away" we should "gay the pray away" and he was on board. Mikaela was a tougher sell, but I let her wrestle around with me on the floor for a while so she could, like, have a sexual awakening or whatever. Jessie ran for it, unfortch--weed does make people paranoid, tho.
Long story short, we got back to camp and raised hell--either converting the other campers and counselors to our dark cause or making examples of 'em. Hell yeah!
Satan 1, Jesus 0.
Suck it, Cabin Six!
